Juicy Bruce
Juicy Bruce JuicyBruce is a band of musicians from a greater metropolitan area. Information on which greater metropolitan area cannot be discussed on an open forum such as this, due to international laws concerning the protection of classified information. To leak such valuable information would risk a massive influx of funk rabid squeezers to said "greater metropolitan area." These previously aforementioned squeezers would do anything, and anyone, for the most minuscule taste of the Juiciest of Bruces. There have been massive governmental cover-ups regarding JuicyBruce. The following is one, of many, of such "cover-ups."

There have been at least two dozen unofficial reports of squeezers emerging from a JuicyBruce performance who, while in a funk induced moment of lucid clairvoyant amazement, were actually able to glean such a feeling of complete spiritual satisfaction that they were able to perceive the airborne spheres of radiant light, which is known by funk-masters as the physical embodiment of funky goodness. These visions of physical funk are normally only visible by the most awakened souls on the most awakened plains of existence. The government of "I CAN'T TELL YOU WHERE" has released flimsy, easily disprovable stories of "UFO sightings" to thwart the attention of the masses from a complete funk induced euphoric takeover

We can't tell you JuicyBruce's location of origin because the government fears that once you see them in concert, you may cease to function as a helpful, tax-paying, clean-smelling, member of society. You may become so obsessed with our funky madness that all your time and energy will be devoted to the next dose of The Bruce, no longer caring about your health and the health of your loved ones. Your government doesn't want that to happen, mainly because funk rabid squeezers are more likely to make mistakes when filing their tax returns, completing your mandatory census survey, or bathing adequately.

We disagree with the government for the following reasons. JuicyBruce concerts will not make you smell bad in any way. In fact, you may smell even better after the concert than when you entered. You will smell like Juicy funk… who doesn't want that. And, very few squeezers have ever paid their taxes, so how can they make mistakes while filing? Also, I find it next to impossible to complete a census survey without a healthy dose of The Bruce to ease the pain of those super difficult questions about how many people live in your house… Do plants count as people? And since corporations are people too, doesn't that mean that every time I buy something I'm creating a dependency of corporate needs with my consumerism? Should I claim these corporations on my taxes as dependents? This is all too much, I need a dose of The Bruce to ease this headache of confusion.