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In the latest edition of the OM Trio road journal, learn how to rate hotels, find out what life is really like in Florida, and realize that it IS possible to get a speeding ticket in West Texas. The Trio returns home to San Francisco for a CD release show at the Great American Music Hall this Thursday, May 29th.
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Hotel/Motel Rating Guide
Saturday, 3.01.03 | 11:00am
Eugene, OR | Red Lion Inn |
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Level 1: 1. The beds resemble some sort
of hard surface (wood, steel, etc.). 2. The shower either: a)
doesn't work; or b) is too rusty/dirty to be usable. 3. There is
no complimentary soap. 4. The air conditioner/heater either: a)
doesn't work; b) spits out some sort of smoke that may or may not be
asbestos residue; or c) makes loud clanging sound when functioning. 5.
It is unclear whether the towels are intended to be wash cloths or simply
a joke. 6. Point 5 doesn't really matter anyway because you will
be unable to shower (see point 2). 7. Because the room doesn't
include a "Do Not Disturb" sign, housekeeping will invariably
knock on your door at 8am and say "Housekeeping!" You will
curse at them loudly, but they will not hear/understand English. This will
require actually going to the door and telling them to go away. This
process will repeat every hour until check-out.
Level 2: 1. It is possible to sleep on
the beds. 2. The shower functions, but will most likely lack the
proper curtain to keep the water in the shower. This requires any
subsequent shower/bathroom users to wear heavy boots or galoshes (canoe
and paddle optional). 3. There is complementary soap, but no
shampoo. Soap may be used to wash hair as well as body. 4.
The towels are slightly larger than Level 1, but their coarseness requires
consideration as to whether these towels are actually floor mats. 5.
The air conditioner/heater might work. If it doesn't work, it will most
likely respond to a severe drop kick while wearing the boots you already
donned to enter the bathroom/swamp. Once it is working, however, it
will only function on one setting: arctic. Once it is turned on it will be
impossible to turn off. 6. There is still no Do Not
Disturb sign. However, housekeeping might wait until 9am before
knocking.
Level 3: 1. The beds are 6-8" wider
than Level 2, and might be of good quality. 2. There is soap, but
still no shampoo. 3. The shower should work, but water pressure
might be questionable. 4. There is some sort of makeshift lobby
near the check-in desk. Why anyone would want to hang out there is
unclear. There is complementary coffee in the lobby, but it is
undrinkable. 5. There is a Do Not Disturb sign in
the room, but it doesn't matter because "Housekeeping!" chooses
to ignore it; 9am wake up is still standard. Because you actually went
through the trouble of putting the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the
door, you will be even more irate when the 9am knock occurs. This
will lead to frantic cursing and increased adrenaline, thus making it
impossible to go back to sleep. (Note: The Do Not Disturb sign
should be stolen for use at Level 1 and 2 hotels.)
Level 4: 1. The beds are fairly
comfortable. 2. There is soap, shampoo, and even possibly lotion
of some kind. You will obviously take the shampoo, as you do not know when
the next time you'll be staying in a Level 4 hotel will be. 3.
The shower is good and might even have a specialty nozzle to change the
water stream. 4. There is a desk with a lamp. 5. There
is a comfortable chair or some sort of sitting device other than a bed. 6.
There may or may not be a balcony. 7. The receptionist will call
you sir or ma'am depending on your sexual orientation. 8. There
is a lobby and possibly even a restaurant. The coffee might be drinkable.
There will be multiple housekeeping bastards screaming this time.
Level 5: (Note: We can not speak from first-hand
experience in Level 5 hotels, so this is based entirely on hear-say.) There will be a fair
large-breasted maiden fanning you with a large leaf of some kind
immediately upon entry into the lobby. She will start fanning at 6:45am.
She will undoubtedly be from Central Housekeeping.
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Wednesday, 3.19.03 | 6:56pm
Iowa City, IA | Econo Lodge |
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When you pass a van with dead bugs on the windshield, dead bugs in the
grill, a dead atlas on the dashboard, mud on the doors and hubcaps, and three
to four to five dead looking dudes half passed out inside, you know you've just
passed a band traversing this great nation of ours. We seemed to pass 300
of these vans on our way to and from the South by Southwest festival in
Austin, Texas.
By S. Weiand |
This "collective" of music was insane, with what seemed like
1000 bands playing more than 100 venues, each doing 45 minute sets of
everything from pop music to grindcore. In preparation for our JamBase
showcase, we went to see all the heavy bands we could, soaking in all the
distortion, gargled vocals, and angst-ridden doom and gloom imagery. Some
of these bands represented the best of the best in the heavy metal scene.
The double bass assault was relentless, the screams were deafening, and
our eardrums have endured irreversible damage. Bands with names like
"Cephalic Carnage" were the norm. Perhaps you get the idea.
There were also bands from Japan. Maybe the translation doesn't quite do
them justice, but these bands had names like "Invisibleman's
Deathbed" and "Electric Eelshock." The music these groups
made was hilarious. Our own gig went well and we received loads of
positive responses. Our new album is selling well and the JamBase
interview is getting a great reception for its insightfulness and
candor.
Your humble narrators have spent the last week making their first
appearances in Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, and Iowa. Holy shit. The
Heartland. The Great Plains. The Dirty South. We celebrated Pete's 30th
birthday in Iowa City on the Wednesday after St. Paddy's, during Spring
Break week. It went so off, it was silly. Pete is now an old fart. We love
him. Send him birthday wishes or money. Fuck birthday wishes, send him
money. Ilya turned 27 on Tuesday, March 25th, in Lexington, KY. Send him
panties. If you're female. And hot.
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Thursday, 4.24.03 | 12:05pm
Ft. Lauderdale, FL | Super 8 Motel |
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We rolled tough into Florida where
amazingly it was 76 degrees, sunny, with a high of bikinis, and a chance
of thongs. There was a cavalcade of blonde, 25 year-old, Swedish
stewardesses* present at the border with cocktails and feather fans ready
to facilitate our entry into "Florida life."
Blonde #1: "Are you the
OM Trio?"
Pete: "Sure."
Blonde #2: "We've been awaiting your arrival for months, sir.
Is there anything we can do to help make your stay in
Florida more enjoyable?"
Brian: "Oh great, thanks. We're just gonna get some rest in
the hotel now but you guys can come."
Blonde #43: "REALLY? That would be such an honor. May we fan
you with our homemade feather fans? Notice that our favorite OM Trio songs
are engraved in the handles. Mine says 'Bulbous rocks.'"
Ilya: "Of course you may. We'd be delighted with your company.
What kind of body lotion do you use to make your skin glow like
that?"
By V. Tseng |
You know, stuff like that. The girls
in Florida are really nice. Anyway, we played in Gainesville and then the
next night shared a stage with The Motet, in Tallahassee. We had never met
The Motet, an Afro-Cuban funk machine that tours as hard as we do, and
they were all extraordinarily cool. Another band that earns the respect of
the Trio by being good musicians and swell men. We spent the entirety of
the post-show evening hanging out and listening to Ilya's random mixes in
the OM Trio van. Of particular interest to the Motet was the "Power
Ballads Lives 1 & 2" collections where all listeners involved got
to relive such classic nostalgia as Bon Jovi's "Never Say
Goodbye," Bryan Adams' "Heaven," Meatloaf's "Two Out
of Three Ain't Bad," Journey's "Open Arms," Aerosmith's
"Angel," and Phil Collins' "Against All Odds (Take A Look
At Me Now)." Everybody loves that shit. We were all grinning ear to
ear and air drumming the whole time.
Last night we walked around
South Beach in Miami. This time it was not Swedish girls to greet us but
an army of 6'5" inch Egyptian princesses. The majority of them liked
our rager "24 Hours To New Orleans," citing in one girl's words,
the "rich harmonic complexity yet the simultaneous free-flowing
nature of the groove." We'll attempt to communicate after Jazz Fest
in New Orleans.
*The OM Trio is not
politically correct, nor is it concerned with updated vernacular created
to change archaic, sexist, or racially stereotypical nomenclature.
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Thursday, 5.8.03 | 1:35pm
Oakland, CA |
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The speed limit in West Texas should
be 120 mph. If there aren't any viable life forms within a 900 mile
radius of your vehicle, then why drive slow? Driving fast is the only
thing that even gives you a glimpse of hope that you may someday EVER get
out of Texas.
Officer in Cowboy Hat: "You
clocked in at 88 mph. Are you in some sort of rush today?"
OM Trio [in full three part a capella harmony]:
"Yes. To get out of this vast wasteland you call home. Nice hat you fuck."
So we got a speeding ticket in West
Texas. Tickets in Montana and Texas on the same trip? You said it wasn't
possible, but we've proved you wrong. WRONG.
By Earhart |
We stayed awake for our first 40
hours in New Orleans. (Once again, you said it couldn't be done. WRONG.) We
had a 2am show, and then at 5am, promptly cruised over to the Umphrey's McGee breakfast show that started at 5am. The Umphrey's gents invited us
to sit in, and then after the show engaged us in an extensive and
informative conversation that involved comparing Vito Bratta to Beethoven
and reciting Dr. Dre lyrics word for word. By the time this was done, it
was around 11am. You'd think this was the end, but no. Ilya and Brian
rode the wave of morning adrenaline into the local gay diner and presented
them with three OM Trio t-shirts. (Those of you that have seen the shirt
understand.)
After New Orleans, we drove to
Austin, threw down tough, and then embarked on the aforementioned journey
through the bowels of West Texas. After 20 hours of driving at a tempered
84 mph, we arrived at Winston's in San Diego to close out the tour. In
standard form, our San Diego faithful packed the club and raged.
Drive to San Francisco. Tour over.
Now we're recovering from all of the
above and gearing up for our Great American show on May 29th. Many
cross-country fans are flying out to this show. See you all there.
JamBase | Coast to Coast
Go See Live Music!
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